I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
How animals would run if they were human
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day