Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Ironic

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?