“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Good morning y’all ☀️
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”