Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute