“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too