I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*