I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
oppen heimer style lol
I’m listening
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!