Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.