I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle