I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following


After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.


You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.


HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry


I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.


Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!


“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.


Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.


[enter password]


[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right


Login Successful


If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.