I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Current mood: Potato
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.