I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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these two trucks have the same bed length
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven