Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

The happy life.. 😊

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?