Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Can you solve the riddle??

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”