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As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Expect the unexporcupine.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane