Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

A game married people play.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.