I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
🧠
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
This is amazing.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’