I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
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[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
new career option?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
gender is a sprctrum
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.