I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
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I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
this has to be peak English
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this