i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.