Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Covert ops

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude