“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
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Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do