“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
You Might Also Like
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
why I oughta
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?