“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents