Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.