@VaguelyFunnyDan

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

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@FeelingMervis

Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??

@KevinBuffalo

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

@thenatewolf

*A coyote bites my leg in front of a girl I like but I wanna seem cool so I just keep walking and take it with me*

@WilliamAder

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

@TweetPotato314

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

@TweetsByKaylee

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

@ChiChiGreenblat

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

@Darlainky

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

@batkaren

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.