Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
*A coyote bites my leg in front of a girl I like but I wanna seem cool so I just keep walking and take it with me*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.