“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.