“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
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They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes