“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
You Might Also Like
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“I FIXED IT!”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.