I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
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The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”