@DBStoner

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

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@batkaren

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

@david8hughes

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@ThaJawn

*takes a hit off the joint

*slowly exhales

Ahhhhhh

This is the best baked sale ever

“It’s a BAKE sale”

*exhales again

Tell me about it

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@Tmoney68

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

@MustardSally1

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

@Bdell1014

Twitter removed my tweet for whatever reason but here it is again

@Lisabug74

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.