I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
decorating my apartment
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
A friend helps you before you need it
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.