I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
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Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Why soy sad?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner