I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
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[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance