Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

good work, detective

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

(Electricians.)

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

How do you like your Corgi?

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP