Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

He’s dead

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

You have been warned.

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.