Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this