I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever