I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.