If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.
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Yeah I do yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Is corn the only vegetable that’s better exploded?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]
I know Twitter, I know.
That’s why I’m here.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense