My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
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[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
But is it really??
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back