@JustHadOneJob

I’ll never look at it the same again.

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@LittleMissAngr1

If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.

@Mom_Overboard

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

@mela_shea

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@lildandeli0n

[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]

I know Twitter, I know.

That’s why I’m here.

@sixthformpoet

The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.

@CherBear162

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense