Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color