Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?