I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
My circle of trust is a meatball
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.