I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My Guy
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.