I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later