Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

My neck, my back, my…

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

why isn’t he texting back

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Body by sandwich.

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

ㅤ

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review