Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

sry

The Sun

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”