I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo