Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

need him

Saving my good tweets for marriage

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀