I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
You Might Also Like
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
<—- homeless romantic
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
cyclists
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce