@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

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@GrillinChillin9

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

@SkippyMcGizzard

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@TuSoonShakur

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

@ScottLinnen

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

@truegritrumble

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

@CynicalTherapi1

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

@smilely_gal

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.