I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
This forever.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Well, this is awkward
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
saving face 👀
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe