Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.