I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Incredible customer service.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL