I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
This came to me in a dream.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Human stupidity exists because, if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.