Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”