“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.