Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Waiting for the Charmin

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?