“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
When I face a minor setback
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits