I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
A game married people play.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
When life hands you women, make women laid.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
BETRAYAL
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”