Follow your dreams, into traffic.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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Life’s a piano and I’m wearing boxing gloves
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
M: I wish I was a baller
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
In hell, you have to listen to chicks fully explain a movie, scene by scene.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
is this too much to ask for
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.
*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.