I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”