I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Omg 🤣
I have a new favorite meme page
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely