I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*