I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
TODAY
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No