Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

🙀🙀🙀😹

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

Webb. James Webb.

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead