I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
normalize having existential bread
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!