I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
You Might Also Like
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.