I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
doing your own taxes
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Anime is real
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.