I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
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adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*