I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
![]()
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
New menu item
![]()
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
![]()
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women