I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
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9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
weaknesses
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
rapatouille
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone