I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
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Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class