I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
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I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Come back with a warrant
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹