I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”