Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Europe. Made in Germany.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.