Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.