I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel