Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Artwork by Herta Burbe

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again