I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
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got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more